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Welcome to Eek's Humor Page!


Welcome to my Humor page... Jokes, gotta love 'em... Here are some list jokes That are really funny, they can be found all over the internet, all you have to do is search for them! Some of these are funny, and some arent... Ofcourse some are so stupid they are funny...

So enjoy!


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60 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

  • 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  • 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  • 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  • 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
  • 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  • 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  • 7. Shave.
  • 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  • 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  • 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  • 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  • 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  • 14. One word: Flatulence!
  • 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  • 16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  • 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  • 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  • 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  • 20. Meow occasionally.
  • 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  • 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  • 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  • 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  • 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  • 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  • 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  • 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  • 29. Leave a box between the doors.
  • 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  • 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
  • 32. Start a sing-along.
  • 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  • 34. Play the harmonica.
  • 35. Shadow box.
  • 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  • 37. Lean against the button panel.
  • 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  • 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  • 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  • 41. Bring a chair along.
  • 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  • 43. Blow spit bubbles.
  • 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  • 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  • 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  • 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  • 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
  • 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  • 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
  • 51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
  • 52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
  • 53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
  • 54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
  • 55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
  • 56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
  • 57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
  • 58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
  • 59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
  • 60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars"

  • 1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
  • 2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  • 3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
  • 4. "Sorry about the mess..."
  • 5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
  • 6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  • 7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  • 8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
  • 9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  • 10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

  • 1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
  • 2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  • 3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
  • 4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  • 5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  • 6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
  • 7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
  • 8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  • 9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
  • 10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

    Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

  • 1. "Rise, my friend."
  • 2. "Open the back door!"
  • 3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
  • 4. "It's just a dead animal..."
  • 5. "Not bad for a little furball."
  • 6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
  • 7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
  • 8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
  • 9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
  • 10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

    TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOUR PULLED OVER

  • 10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
  • 9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
  • 8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
  • 7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
  • 6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
  • 5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
  • 4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
  • 3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
  • 2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
  • 1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

    101 things NOT to say during sex

  • 1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  • 2. You woke me up for that?
  • 3. Did I mention the video camera?
  • 4. Do you smell something burning?
  • 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
  • 6. Try breathing through your nose.
  • 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
  • 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  • 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  • 10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
  • 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
  • 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
  • 13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  • 14. Do you accept Visa?
  • 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  • 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  • 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  • 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  • 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  • 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
  • 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  • 22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  • 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  • 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  • 25. Got any penicillin?
  • 26. But I just brushed my teeth...
  • 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  • 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  • 29. I want a baby!
  • 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  • 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  • 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
  • 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  • 34. I think you have it on backwards.
  • 35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  • 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  • 37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
  • 38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  • 39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  • 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  • 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
  • 42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  • 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  • 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
  • 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  • 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
  • 47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
  • 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  • 49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
  • 50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  • 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  • 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  • 53. You look younger than you feel.
  • 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  • 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  • 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  • 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
  • 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  • 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  • 60. What tampon?
  • 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  • 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  • 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  • 64. I have a confession...
  • 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  • 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  • 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  • 68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  • 69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
  • 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  • 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  • 72. Did you come yet, dear?
  • 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
  • 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  • 75. Does this count as a date?
  • 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  • 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  • 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
  • 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
  • 80. When would you like to meet my parents?
  • 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
  • 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  • 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  • 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
  • 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  • 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  • 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  • 88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
  • 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  • 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  • 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
  • 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
  • 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
  • 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  • 95. Is this a sin too?
  • 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  • 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  • 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
  • 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
  • 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  • 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

    10 Things to do at Mc donalds

    This is not from anywhere, and can only be found here! My friends and I made these up... hope u like em!

  • 1. Ask for a Mc Water Value meal.
  • 2. Ask for a Small mac.
  • 3. Ask for a Burger, just the seaseme seeds.
  • 4. Ask for a Junior Burger, pickles only.
  • 5. Dress up as Ronald Mcdonald and introduce yourself to the staff.
  • 6. Ask for a Mc Cone Value meal.
  • 7. Walk and order through the drive in.
  • 8. Ask for a money back guarantee.
  • 9. Demand to see identification.
  • 10. Ask to see Ronald McDonald in person. now.


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